I don't get it.

Hi. I'm very sorry to inform you, sir. You have terminal ass cancer. The only way you can save yourself is to join AXN as a vassal of the hobo prince himself, and lead a life of servitude in the Turkish pits of Moria, working day and night in a mine shaft with a company of cheerful Turkish dwarves, digging tunnels, and getting one day raided by Swedish green skinned satan goats that want your Turkish gold ALL FOR THEMSELVES. Then, you must hide in the tomb of Bälin, write a very detailed diary, let yourself get raped in ass to death by Swedish green skinned satan goat, and then be reincarnated as a mistle thrush, majestically flying above the mountains of Moria, guarding arcane secrets of the Hobo Prince forever.