THIS IS THE REASON DOGS ATTACK THEIR OWNERS..

WHAT PART OF QUIET DIDNT YOU UNDERSTAND?

HEY MUM THAT FIRST STEP IS A KILLER

OK.... SO NOW WHAT DO I DO..?

OH MAN, I'M GETTING SO FAT, I CAN HARDLY SCRATCH MY OWN ASS..

THESE MORNING WALKS ARE KILLING ME...

AND HERE IS WHAT OUR PETS DO WHEN WE ARE AT WORK

IN LOVING MEMORY OF TOMMY COOPER

1. Two blondes walk
into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy
marijuana, press
the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the
psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers
the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers
the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious
accident.
He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the
floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing
out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of
Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
' Is it common? '
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket
ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke
says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said
"Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the
world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger
Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
"Your round." The other one says "So are you, you
fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged
one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually
complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said,
"I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane
crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night